The Axl Rose Problem: Chapter III

The phone rang. It rang again. It rang, and rang; like a trash can tumbling down warehouse steps the god-awful noise of that damn phone rattled around my skull and snipped away at my frayed nerves.

With one eye open I took a blurred glance at the clock. The blood crimson glow of the digits ate at my swollen brain.

Riiiiing...riiiiinggg...it wasn't going to stop.

It was 4 a.m.

Leaning off the bed's edge I fumbled around trying to grip the damn thing and answer it.

"Hello", I clucked as the pasty film in my mouth cracked free.

"It's me!" the frazzled voice on the other end panted. "I didn't wake you did I man?"

My skull tried to balance itself, as my brain seemed to slosh from one side to the other. I took a moment to swear to myself that I'd never drink like that again if only this late-night phone crackpot would just leave me be and let me get another 6 hours of sleep.

"I'm here - with him." the voice said. "With him!"

"Yes, I am sure you are." I rumbled. "Tell 'him' I said hello."

I started to drop the phone.

"Jesus Christ man, it's me, Lucas, damn it." the voice began to sound familiar.

"Fuck Lucas, its four o-fucking-clock in the morning here. I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so why don't you call me back at a reasonable hour." A sharp pain shot from my eye to my ears, through my head, and then back to my eye again.

"Holy shit man. I disappear for a month and this is all I get from my top partner, my "so-called" best friend - self- righteous 'I can't handle my drink- leave me alone - 'mumbo?"

He was right. I hadn't seen nor heard from Lucas since shortly after New Years eve, and I never felt that it was an altogether bad thing. Lucas disappeard after watching th Sugar Bowl with myself and some friends and I had gotten the distinct impression that he was pretty embarrassed about his prophecizing about, and preparation for, the Y2K disaster. Lucas had been extremely vocal about the Y2K thing, enough so to go on numerous local radio and TV programs to "educate the stupid", as he liked to put it. On one morning TV talk gig, one of those horribly unwatchable local deals, Lucas had gotten into the drink a bit prior to his appearance and got into a bit of a ruse with the female talking head of the show. She'd mentioned that the Y2K prophets all mostly seemed to be 'crackpots' to her, and Lucas smirked and slurred something along the line that female TV personalities were 'pretty talking heads and quite simply, brainless fuckdolls'. Although he quickly added, however, that he didn't really see anything wrong with that.

Anyhow, Lucas was into the Y2K thing up to his elbows and shortly after the year turned he had to flee - to save face and maybe even a few limbs. Somehow, I knew the peace and quiet these circumstances brought me would not last long.

"Sorry Lucas. It's just that, well, I had a bit of a night here." I atoned. "Who's 'him'?"

"Who is who?" Lucas replied sounding relieved.

"HIM! The 'him' you mentioned that your were with."

"Oh shit...yes, I almost forgot." Lucas paused.

"Well..." I pushed on.

"Okay man, I just had to make sure he wasn't nearby listening. Hang on."

"Lucas, I am going to fucking hang up now."

"No..no..no. It's Axl, man. I am with Axl!" he gleefully whispered.

"Axel who?" I said. The only bells ringing being the ones in my tormented skull.

"A-X-L. Axl...how many fucking Axl's do you know?"

"I don't know any Axel's Lucas, that's why I'm asking"

"Oh Jesus man, you must be kidding! Here I thought you were the man - Mr. Music. C'mon man, I am with Axl fucking Rose, that's who!"

I almost laughed, but knowing that would hurt too much, I hesitated.

"Did you hear me damn it!?" Lucas growled. "Axl Rose. Guns'n'Roses. Damn man, you must be drunk still."

"I heard you...but I get the distinct feeling that you're full of shit - and I'm going back to sleep." I started to hang up again.

"I am serious man. Dead serious." Lucas's tone was, for once, very clear and earnest. "I am in flipping La La land...that's L.A. for your sopping skull...and I am staying at Axl's place. He's in the basement studio as we speak."

"Okay Lucas, whatever." I played along.

"Here...wait a second...listen to this, but don't be recording anything here 'cuz I could wind up dead if this shit gets out onto the Internet or anything. I'm going to hold the phone to the floor so your can hear this intense shit."

A second of silence, followed by a quick thump and Lucas mumbling 'Oh shit', was followed by the muffled noise of music. The music would start, play for a few seconds and then stop. Like someone was working something out, or editing a song. I couldn't make heads or tails out of it all, but I was beginning to think Lucas was telling the truth.

"How is old Axl?" I chuckled.

"He's fucking great,"oozed Lucas. "Just great."

"Well that's good to hear. Now goodnight Lucas."

I dropped the phone onto the receiver. In a minute it rang again. I answered and focused on the caller ID. No number showed. I was pretty sure Lucas could be telling the truth now. Lucas didn't have the means or the know-how to block caller ID, and he didn't have a phone of his own, so his calls could usually be traced to some dumpy motel or some woman's apartment somewhere. I'd guessed Axl Rose would have his number on a permanent block, so the possibility was there, but mostly I know Lucas, and he quite honestly, he isn't all that bright at times.

"Yeah Lucas, hi again" I answered.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he stammered. "Here I am at Al Rose's fucking house, calling you to share in my great fortune, and you're acting like a bastard"

"Lucas", I inquired. "Tell me, how on earth did you hook up with Al Rose?"

"It's a long story" he spoke stealthily.

"Well tell it, or I am gong back to sleep."

"Okay, okay. It's Y2K man. It's all Y2K."

"Y2K?" I really wanted to go back to sleep now.

"Yeah, yeah man." Lucas smiled through his voice. "Y-2-friggin' -K! Can you believe it?"

"No I can't Lucas. Goodnight."

"Can't you see? Can't you put one and one together man? It's right under your nose" Lucas was pissing me off.

"Just say it then god damn it! What in this evil world brought you together with Axl Rose?"

"Axl was at the fore, man. At the front of it all. People were weirding out over the G'n'R thing for so long, but he was fucking masterful wasn't he?"

Lucas rambled on, "Axl saw Y2K coming before any of us. Years back. He didn't just let Guns'n'Roses go for nothing man, no one could be that stupid. It had to be something BIG - it's just funny that nobody ever figured it out. All of this waiting for a new record - the rumors of band members joining and quitting - the supposed battles with producers. All of it man, even the carefully placed rumors about going 'techno', or becoming the next Nine Inch Nails...all of it was part of the plan. That lousy, horrible soundtrack single that came out just before years end - you didn't think that was actually where Axl wanted to go with the music did you? You didn't believe that to be Guns'n'Roses man, did you? I mean that song SUCKED. Shit, it worst than sucked. No, no, no my friend. Axl hasn't been doing jack shit for the past six years. At least not music wise."

I was feeling worse than ever as Lucas went on.

"Axl has been hunkering down for the Y2K shit-rain my man. This sonofabitch saw the writing on the wall and built a fucking underground palace here. It's completely stocked for at least three years survival for up to ten people. I mean, Axl was better prepared then the CIA. for The Inevitible."

"So that's what the wait for a new Guns record has really been all about?" I asked incredulously. "Axl Rose was just another Y2K crackpot?"

I could almost hear the dejection on the far end of the line.

"Fuck you man." Lucas whispered. "Fuck you. Axl knew the score; he used all the information available to him and covered his ass. It was a razor's edge, this Y2K thing, and everyone just happened to get lucky - this time."

"And in the meantime Axl lost his band, ruined his career, busted up friendships, and lead everyone along on a bullshit charade?" I summed things up for Lucas. "To top it off, he, you and all the others were fucking wrong. There was no Y2K crisis. It was a wicked joke, a cruel myth."

I decided Lucas had heard this all enough so I stopped and asked,"What's he going to do now Lucas? What on earth will Mr. Axl do now?"

A long, thoughtless pause and finally Lucas replied,"I think he's gonna call Slash tomorrow. Then Duff, Izzy, and the rest of the guys. It's not going to be easy, but he thinks they can patch things up he says. Jesus man, this Y2K thing has made fools of us all, and Axl, well, he don't know anything else except G'n'R man. He rolled the Big Dice and came up craps, time to try and mend fences."

Lucas was as down as I'd ever heard him. I could barely make out the whispered utterence from the left coast as he wept, "Damn them all to hell...damn them I say."

"Anyhow, you know anyone who needs a top of the line generator? Or maybe c-rations or any...Forget it."

Lucas hung the phone up in mid sentence - broken again.

I dropped my phone and rolled the pillow over my throbbing head.

Somedays I hope I never wake up.

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