Fear and Donuts in Las Vegas: One man's journey into the heart of glazed darkness

"Happy New Year," an old, familiar voice cackled through the static of what could only have been a dying cell phone on the move.

"Lucas?" I inquired. "Is that you?"

"Yeah man! Happy New Year buddy! Christ, at least sound alive will ya?"

"Your phone is fading in and out, I can barely hear you. Where are you man?"

It had been quit awhile since I’d heard from my oft-wayward friend.

"Where am I? Where am I? Where the fuck do you think I’d be on New Year’s? Boise fucking Idaho? I’m in Vegas man! Las-fucking-Vegas!"

"And why should I know that you’d be in Vegas Lucas? I never know where the fuck you are."

"Because, asshole, it’s fucking New Year’s! And New Year’s means Guns and Roses – Guns and motherfuckingRoses – here, in Las Vegas! Jesus man, have you crawled under a rock?"

Lucas had always been a die-hard G’n’R man and had been wildly ecstatic after attending last years New Year’s Guns gig. So it would have been safe to assume he’d be at this year’s also…if I or anyone else would have cared to remember.

"You mean Axl Rose’s thing he does out there?" I knew this would rankle.

"No! I mean Guns and fucking Roses asshole. You, me, and everyone else in this goddamn world knows that Guns’n’Roses were, are, and always will be Axl fucking Rose. Period."

"That’s debatable." I was pushing my old friend hard and I knew it.

"There isn’t any goddamn debate about it you ass. You should know that as well as anyone. Who the fuck else could have been G’n’R? Slash?" Lucas sniggered.

"Or Izzy Stradlin," I deadpanned.

"Oh come the fuck on man! I ought to just hang up on you for that sort of stupidity."

"Think about it man," I chided.

"There ain’t anything to think about, you’re just fucking with me and you know it. You’re just pissed because I got to hit these killer gigs and you sat at home with a thumb up your ass."

"I heard they gigs didn’t go so well. Sounds to me like Axl had a little hissy fit or something. Did the buffet go dry?"

Lucas said nothing.

"Hello?" I asked, wondering if my friends phone had died. "Hello? Lucas?"

"What the fuck is that all about?" he blurted out of the silence.

"What is what about?"

"That buffet comment? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?"

"Just a joke Lucas, easy man, it was just a little joke."

"Oh, so now you’re going to start ripping a guy for getting a little older and putting a few pound on huh?"

"Hey, it was just a goddamn joke man, settle down."

"No, you settle down. That was out of line, man – cracking on the guys weight and all. That ain’t got nothing to do with anything, especially the rock and roll."

Lucas was more right than wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. Picture’s I’d seen and reports I’d read had painted Axl’s new, reclusive version of Guns’n’Roses as a sort of Fat Boys of hard rock reunion. Not only was Rose a bit pudgy, but former Replacement Tommy Stinson was also looking downright portly.

"No," I paused, "you’re right Lucas. But it seems to me that maybe - just maybe - the boys have been emptying too many buckets of fried chicken for Buckethead’s (Rose’s avant-rock sidekick and G’n’R’s lead guitarist who earns his moniker from wearing a fast food chicken bucket on his head) headgear."

"Fuck you, you asshole!" Lucas’ voice cracked. "I thought you were the music guy, I thought you were the guy who’d be fucking thrilled for a friend who’d had a chance to hang out and be able to see gigs like these. I didn’t think you’d be the kind of insensitive dude to ride a guy for putting a few ounces on around the midsection."

Lucas was right, I was pushing a bit hard.

"Man, okay, I’m sorry man. Were the shows any good?"

"They were okay." Lucas sounded somber by now. I’d sucked the energy right out of him and was feeling bad for having done so.

"Did you hang around with the band at all?" I figured I was playing into Lucas’ starfucker attitude.

"Yeah," Lucas grunted, "I have been for most of the past four months man."

"Really?" I wasn’t nearly as incredulous as I was blasé about this bit of information.

"Yeah, really. In fact," Lucas voice cracked, "I’m waiting for Axl and Tommy right now."

I couldn’t resist.

"Been eating well my friend?"

Lucas began to say something but lost it as his voice completely cracked. He whimpered at first and then took a few deep breaths before breaking down into a loud, blabbering sob.

"Luke? Hey man, like I’m sorry man." I didn’t know what to say, the whole scene was becoming far too weird for me.

"Luke, hey man, easy now." His sobs turned into howls. My old friend Lucas was in the midst of a complete breakdown somewhere in the State of Nevada, sitting behind the wheel of a car, talking on a cell phone, and bawling like a lost child.

"Luke man, are you okay?"

He took a few breaths and yammered, "Yeah, yeah, I’m okay." He paused, took a deep breath, and then broke down into sobs again. "Oh fuck man, those guys are gonna see me like this. Oh man, ohh man, fuck!"

"Calm down Lucas. Take it easy, okay? Where are they?"

"They’re in the store," he said. Lucas was panting and trying hard to compose himself.

"Okay man, pull it together. Take a few deep breaths. It’s gonna be okay."

"No it isn’t man!" Lucas was raising his voice. "It isn’t going to be fucking okay man. It isn’t!"

"Luke, come on man, cool down. It will be okay."

"NO IT WILL FUCKING NOT – DON’T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND MAN?!" There was more than just craziness in Lucas’ voice – there was fear.

"Understand what, Lucas?"

"THEY ARE IN THE FUCKING DONUT SHOP AGAIN MAN! THE GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKING DONUT SHOP! They are buying two fucking DOZEN, man. TWO DOZEN! God, it won’t end. It will never end. They won’t STOP!"

Lucas began sobbing and then bawling again. I sat quietly, not knowing what to say.

"They can’t stop," Lucas said in a whisper cry, then adding ominously, "we can’t stop."

I was stunned. I stayed silent.

"We can’t stop," Lucas whispered once more. "It’s too late…it’s too late…it’s too fucking late." His voice trailed off.

"Luke," I spoke quietly but assertively, "Luke, can you hear me?"

Silence.

"Luke? Luke you have to talk to me man. Listen, you can be helped. There is help out there for you man. The road you are on is a dead end man. Luke? Luke…if you can hear me, just start the car. Just start the car and drive away from that donut shop. Leave them there with their own demons to deal with. Start the goddamn car and get out of there. We can get you the help you need man."

"It’s too late…it’s too fucking late." He seemed in a trance as the sobs continued.

"It’s never too late Luke. Never!"

"It is man. It is."

"Luke, listen to me man. That’s a different world those rock and roll cats live in. It’s not the world we know. It’s easy to get caught up in things. Things you’d never even try if it weren’t for guys like them. It’s easy to fall Luke. And it’s tough to get back up. But it can be done."

Lucas was silent. No sobs, no whimpers, just strange black silence.

"How bad is it Lucas?" I had to ask.

He said nothing.

"Luke, if I’m going to help you get out of this lifestyle, if I’m going to find a way to help you kick this and recover, I need to know – how bad is it?"

"Three twenty-five," he whispered.

"What?" I said in astonishment.

"Three twenty five."

"Three hundred and twenty five pounds?" I was stunned. Lucas, at his most sedentary, had never carried more than maybe two hundred and ten pounds on his nearly six foot frame. "Three hundred," I paused in shock, "three hundred and twenty five pounds?"

"Yes," he said abruptly.

"Lucas, that’s a lot of donuts man."

Silence.

"Do you want help man?" I knew Lucas needed something, or someone, beside another éclair, to lean on.

"Yes."

"Then start the car. Start the car and leave Axl, Tommy, Buckethead, and the whole Guns and Roses mess behind you man. I know he’s your hero Luke, but sometimes heroes can be disappointing. They got you hooked into this lifestyle, and only you can pull you out of it."

"Okay."

"Now start the car and go man. Start the car and get the hell out of there before they get into that car with more of that junk. You don’t want another donut Luke, and you don’t need another donut."

"Okay." Lucas’ terse answers had me a bit worried, but he sounded focused.

"Do it!"

I could hear the car starting and Lucas putting it into drive.

"Now head back home Luke. Just get out on that highway and head yourself back home man."

"Okay."

"We’ll see you in a couple of days, okay Luke?"

"Okay."

"Oh, and Luke…no donuts or fast food along the way man. Got it?"

"Got it."

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